I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
me watching my own Instagram story
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out