I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan