I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.