I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
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Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down