I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
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cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?