I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel