I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here