I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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Me: I get scared. I can鈥檛 explain it. It鈥檚 a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They鈥檙e just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay鈥ou still want the crap cakes?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I have two kinds of followers
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Doctor: and you鈥檙e exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it鈥檚 pretty weirdly
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
All I鈥檓 saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 馃槢
When people say I don鈥檛 mean to brag they鈥檙e bragging about not bragging.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Oh wow. It鈥檚 so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I鈥檒l do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience