I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam