I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
live long and prosper!
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?