i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.