i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
When he asks for feet pics
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!