i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper