Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.