Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

#dalle2

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

I am having an out of money experience.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer