Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift