I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
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If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
new record!
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.