I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
😂😂
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.