I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.