I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’