I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”