I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
