I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
