Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
haha same
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My work here is don’t.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.