Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

just make the entire table out of coaster

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.