I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I’m not stressed
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.