I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
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Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
