I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
sir, my pâté if you please
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.