I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Here to help
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time