I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”