Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.