I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”