I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.