Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed