Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.