I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.