I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
You Might Also Like
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one