I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.