I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”