I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Covert ops
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
inside you are two wolves
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.