I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
How do dragons blow out candles?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
what’s in a name?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…