I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
✌️
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.