Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.