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Donât you just hate it when youâre in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didnât even smile
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didnât ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? đ§đ
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose itâs thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You ever randomly hear your mom singing âCandy Shopâ and then die a little inside?
Iâm deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Itâs amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Donât describe two completely different things as âapples and orangesâ theyâre both fruit
Say something like âelephants and crystal methâ
80% of my day is spent saying âdishwasherâ after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
finally old enough to understand that âfake it till you make itâ and âpractice makes perfectâ are the same advice
mcdonaldâs will âanything elseâ you to death can you wait a mcminute
âDude go make the first move on her!â
âOkay fine, but Iâm not too sure what Iâm doing.â
*approaches girl*
âKnight to f3â
ADVERSARY: Iâll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Itâs gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I donât remember my password, so Iâll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyoneâs mom
Shout out to Pringles for admitting theyâre addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Honest job application:
On the whole Iâll do a perfectly adequate job. Iâm quiet but not in an odd way. I wonât cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (wonât use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Donât be alarmed when youâre knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesnât answerâŚ.He is dealing with me.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently itâs called a mirror.
My âmy wife is not having an affair with her karate teacherâ headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: Thatâs a long sentence!
Judge: Ok â âyou get 10 yearsâ
We need to keep kids off drugs. Itâs hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said âThe Loan Sharkâ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.