I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
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New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?