I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Revenge served cold
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.