I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
very niche meme I made
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.