I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode