I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.