I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
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[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.