I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.