I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
*limbos under the caution tape
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
this site is so cooked lol
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,