Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Trains are just sideway elevators.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there