Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

My god she’s good.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Always the vampires