Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hear me out : pockets for your socks

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

A new level of troll.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Just say no

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.