Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it