Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.