I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
omg leave her alone
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
felt that
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy