I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
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If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Hotels are back
Many hands make light work
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS