I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.