I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
You Might Also Like
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.