I think that’s enough internet for one day…
You Might Also Like
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I basically called this earlier today
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind