I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”