I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat