@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

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@Dr_awfulpants

I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.

@Sickayduh

[hospital]
SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*

@Contwixt

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@LeagueofNope

No thanks, people who hum to themselves.

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.

@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”

@Alex_LaVallee

My wife just walked into a huge spider web.

She is now a black belt in karate.

@UncleDuke1969

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

@Shock_Monster

Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-

Me: 69!

Her: …10.

Me:

Her:

Me: 6.9?