@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

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@EndhooS

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

@PeachCoffin

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

@Iwriteforcats

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

@bgirl314

Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn’t make you thin.

Apparently.

@TheNuttyKiwi

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

@ItsAndyRyan

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

@Smooheed

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.