I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting