I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me recordaron éste meme
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
sigh
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.