Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Room with a view.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.