@wilw

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

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@ellewasamistake

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

@lilgapeach30

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.

@QwertyJones3

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

@ChrChristensen

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

@Darlainky

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@RickNothing

“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*