I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.