Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no