I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
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I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre