I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
want me to check your oil?
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I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”