I think the cat got the dog high.
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[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me in tagged photos
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?